When I worked in an office, invariably there would be a group of women who would say crazy things like, “Did you see the Today Show this morning?” And I would answer, ” I woke up half an hour ago.”
It was incomprehensible to me that someone would wake up early enough to actually sit around and watch tv in the morning. My mornings were more along the lines of:
1. Hit snooze 3-5 times
2. Grumble; ooze out of bed, staying under the covers for as long as possible.
3. Dash a brush through hair and teeth. Try not to make it the *same* brush.
4. Toss clothes on body. Wish I had better shoes.
5. Out the door and into Starbucks.

If I was awake at 7am, this was my process. If it was not a work day, this was not my process. I would be sleeping, not watching some stupid show.
But now, oh ho! Now the Today Show is my friend. Now I am up at 6am whether I like it or not (I don’t, if anyone is asking), and I am too woozy to actually accomplish anything. The Today Show allows me to remain prone for as long as possible, without thinking too much, and still feel like I maybe watched a little news, at least. Baby Muffin gets her milk and banana, and I watch Katie Couric and Matt Lauer pretend that they don’t hate every minute of their jobs, but don’t want to quit because they make oodles of money. So, did I see the Today Show today? You bet I did.

But wait. It gets worse. I also have started to catch America’s Funniest Home Videos. Not every day, mind you, but enough to make me freak out a little. When a baby falls over into a cream pie and I laugh out loud, a passage of great literature forever deletes itself from my brain. If I start to wear applique sweaters, please just put me out of my misery.

The Museum of Ugly Baby Things made me laugh, especially the faux artspeak. I think we have a sattelite gallery in our basement.

Birthday party.
Job interview.
Fight with mother.
HH has been sick for 2 frikin weeks.
I need a brow wax like you wouldn’t believe.

On the cute side, A. has been pushing a stool around the room for 15 minutes straight. She thinks she is pretty hot shit. Oh man she’s cute.

All you English majors will love this article on the Top 100 Books. Really funny.

4004 B.C.E. – According to 17th century divine James Ussher, Archbishop of Armagh,
and Dr. John Lightfoot of Cambridge, the world was created on this day,
a Sunday, at 9 a.m. So, Happy Birthday, Existence!

Also, it’s the birthdays of Johnny Carson, Pelé, and Chi-Chi Rodriguez, professional golfer. Coincidence? I think not.

1. She has learned how to blubber her lips with her fingers, and now wants you to do it, too. She’ll do it a couple of times (blibble, blibble, blibble) and then reach her hand out to your face. You then must lean in and hum so she can blibble you with her tiny pudgy fingers.

2. She blabbers to herself. all. day. The other day we were laying in bed (because she got up way too early and I was not ready to be upright yet) and she had her binky with her. She lay there staring into space, then popped the bink out of her mouth and said, “dibble dibble dibble” and popped the bink back in. She did this several times; she looked like an old Brit taking a pipe out of his mouth to discourse on the state of affairs in Africa. Harumph harumph.

3. Then there’s the way she crawls into people’s laps when we go to story time or Happy Dan. She just goes and sits with other families; it is mainly my job to sit back and ensure that she doesn’t empty strangers’ diaper bags. Once she lounged in a little boy’s lap for a whole story- he thought he was the best thing going.

4. Sometimes when you hold her, she will put her head on your shoulder and pat your arm. Sweetest. Baby. Ever.

5. Jack’s Big Music Show. It’s like baby hypnosis. In a good way.

6. When she sits at the computer, she opens all kinds of crazy windows. Sometimes I don’t even know what they are for, never mind how she opened them. She is all about the alt tab.

7. She dances to the alphabet and most rock n roll style songs, even the ones in commercials. “Brick House” is a favorite.

8. Then there was the time she signed “more” for “more books” when Pete read only 2 stories instead of the usual three.

9. She likes to brush her non existant hair. She hums in a high pitched voice when she does it.

10. The patented Audrey Arm Manoeuver– arm extended, holding something, or possibly nothing, out to a person. Could be interpreted as “hello”, “hey, look at this”, or, “here, have some…psych!” Meaning of said manoeuver is unclear, but it is performed several times a day, and has been for months. I’m stumped.

Happy Birthday, Baby Muffin. I am so proud of you and I love you so much I could explode into bits.

This time last year I was feeling no pain. Really, I wasn’t. My contractions* didn’t start until 9:30 pm, and then, eight hours later, there was a tiny bundle of baby on the outside of my body as opposed to the inside, where she was previously.
She used to look like this:

And now, somehow, she looks more like this:

She is the world’s sweetest baby girl, and I love her. Pretty much everything she does is so incredibly cute and amazing, I just want to squish her up and put her in my mouth to keep. I want her to stay my sweet funny baby at the same time that I can’t wait to see her grow up and be so cool, I can’t wait to see what she does, how she wears her hair (if it ever comes in), what kind of music and books she will like. I know every parent says this and feels this, but clearly it needs to be said over and over again, because it is such a huge and complex set of emotions, we all need a lot of time to process it. Parenting is such a mindfuck.

*Why are contractions owned? It’s weird that they are “my” contractions, and not just contractions. But somehow, it’s apt. Apt, I say! Everything about that night is mine; something that nobody can take away. It was, without a doubt, the best night of my life, and if time travel is ever invented, I will go back and do it over and over again.

Where can I get me some pelf?