“Mama, I took off my pjs. I am a naked baby.”
“Okay, naked baby.”
“Okay Mama dressed.”

This meme just never seems to get old. It applies to everything!
LOL Lost

Sometimes she does things that completely blow my mind.

Take a mental picture of this, will you?

Pete and I are playing an imaginary game with her. We are tossing imaginary food at each other, and making elaborate “gulp!”s when we catch the food in our mouths. The game starts to wear on and get more absurd, and we start throwing different things, like cakes, pickles, ice cream. Then Pete tosses imaginary spaghetti at Audrey and, instead of gulping like we had been, she opens her mouth, then slurps the imaginary spaghetti noodles through her pursed lips .

This weekend I shouted, “I’m a mother and sometimes I have poop in my bag!” at a party.

I had actual poop in my bag at the time.

There were not many other parents in the room, so I was most likely the only person who had ever even considered having poop on her person, let alone carrying it alongside her wallet.

or, How My Heart Stopped Today.

We had bears last year. A cute, fuzzy, razor clawed family of bears that frolicked in our pool and tore through our garbage. So today, when The Girl and I were tramping through the woods in back of our house, I was a little jumpy.

Don’t let her see that you’re nervous. You don’t want her inheriting your Chronic Anxiety Over Everything Syndrome.

A twig snaps over the next hill.

Could be anything. Squirrels can snap twigs, can’t they?

Coyotes snap twigs. And eat babies. (we’ve had coyote sightings, too)

I start going over my Bear Facts. Bears are passive right after hibernation, right? Or is it Extra Aggressive?

I could take a half starved bear, I bet. Or coyote.

Fuck, remember that guy who loved bears and went to live with them? The bears fucking ATE him.

Just then, a big black figure comes lumbering over hill. I get into “Defensive Crouch/Football Grab the Kid” leaping crouch grab position (have me demo it one day; it’s quite impressive) and make a high pitched “Oh!” sound.
Only when the neighbor kid comes running along after it do I realize it’s the giant Bernese Mountain dog puppy they got a couple months ago.

When my heart starts up again a few minutes later, it thuds blood through my ears so loudly I can barely hear her still talkng about how Samba was in the woods and we’re in the woods too and I think Samba likes the woods do you like the woods Mama? I like the woods and so does Jumpy Squirrel…

In conclusion: Happy Spring!

Okay, snuggle under the covers and go to bed.

But wait, Mama! Let’s see if ice cream falls on our head.

?…Ice cream?

Yeah! It comes from there (points to ceiling).

We haven’t had ice cream since the summer, nor have we had any kind of dairy treat that came from the ceiling. Seriously. Where the hell does she gets this stuff?

Today the was a pee incident, as there are at times, and so a mid afternoon tub was in order. I went to check my email, and got engrossed a bit on Jezebel.com. I heard the water running out, so I knew she was done, but she usually hangs out and plays a bit, so I read a little more about Britney and Lohan and Amy Winehouse. Soon I notice there is no noise coming from the bathroom, which normally is not a good sign. I went in the bathroom, and there she is, lying naked in an empty bathtub and nearly asleep!

“Are you taking a nap?”

Smiles, laughs “Yeah.”

Crazy. Baby.

Then she got dressed and we made cookies out of lemon cake mix, of which I have eaten at least a dozen. Yum.

I know dream blogs are boring, but, shut it, it’s my blog.

Dreamt that  I got a phone call from the phone company; seems that we hadn’t paid our phone bill in an entire year. Pete and I had hushed conversations: “How did this happen?” “Check the bank statements” “Think they’ll let us just start up again?”

At the same time, I had apparently brought home 3 paintings from the museum. I was concocting all kinds of schemes to 1. keep the paintings from ruin, and 2. return them the next day without anyone noticing that I accidentally removed very expensive and irreplaceable artwork.

My brain is so worried about this that I actually woke up, fell back asleep, and dreamt that I went back to work and forgot the paintings again.