It seems that SNL does not like to have its videos on the yootoobs, so I have to just post the transcript from the best Weekend Update skit about weather that ever was. If you haven’t seen it, find the dvd that it is on and watch it over and over until your lungs hurt from laughter.

Chevy Chase:
Last week we made the comment that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Now here to reply is our chief meteorologist, John Belushi, with a seasonal report.

John Belushi:
Thank you Chevy. Well, another winter is almost over and March true to form has come in like a lion, and hopefully will go out like a lamb. At least that’s how March works here in the United States.

But did you know that March behaves differently in other countries? In Norway, for example, March comes in like a polar bear and goes out like a walrus. Or, take the case of Honduras where March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a salt marsh harvest mouse.

Let’s compare this to the Maldive Islands where March comes in like a wildebeest and goes out like an ant. A tiny, little ant about this big.

[holds thumb and index fingers a small distance apart]

Unlike the Malay Peninsula where March comes in like a worm-eating fernbird and goes out like a worm-eating fernbird. In fact, their whole year is like a worm-eating fernbird.

Or consider the Republic of South Africa where March comes in like a lion and goes out like a different lion. Like one has a mane, and one doesn’t have a mane. Or in certain parts of South America where March swims in like a sea otter, and then it slithers out like a giant anaconda.

There you can buy land real cheap, you know. And there’s a country where March hops in like a kangaroo, and stays a kangaroo for a while, and then it becomes a slightly smaller kangaroo. Then, then, then for a couple of days it’s sort of a cross between a, a frilled lizard and a common house cat.

[Chevy Chase tries to interrupt him]

Wait wait wait wait. Then it changes back into a smaller kangaroo, and then it goes out like a, like a wild dingo. Now, now, and it’s not Australia! Now, now, you’d think it would be Australia, but it’s not!

[Chevy Chase tries to interrupt him]

Now look, pal! I know a country where March comes in like an emu and goes out like a tapir. And they don’t even know what it means! All right? Now listen, there are nine different countries, where March comes in like a frog, and goes out like a golden retriever. But that- that’s not the weird part! No, no, the weird part is, is the frog. The frog- The weird part is-

[has seizure and falls off chair]

I am going to be in a Spelling Bee. And I am PSYCHED.

We had the rockin’est Ferris Bueller Birthday Party, and went way overboard with it, but I was still disappointed that I didn’t organize a group dance routine to Danke Shoen.

The third reason I am a huge nerd…well…I am not ready to talk about it yet. It needs much explanation and self reflection.

These are the kind of questions I have to answer on the way home from Audrey’s school:

“What is that black and white thing?”
“A zebra?”
“No”
“A skunk?”
“No…”
“Panda?”
“Yes, a panda. I will be a panda and you can be a koala bear.”

Then, after explaining why water falls down the waterfall, I get this one:
“What if there were no edges?”

Easy there, Buddha. Mama’s had a long day.

I would like to publicly thank Antonia for writing these words:

On Tuesdays and Fridays, she doesn’t go to nursery. Sometimes Tuesdays and Fridays feel like days I get to spend with Esme and sometimes like days I have to spend with Esme.

And before you go thinking it’s some sappy mommyblog, she also suggests that she believes in sawing children’s fingers off and often writes wistfully of pubs.

For example:
“I scanned the Jewel-Osco weekly ad (such a “mom” thing to do!) and saw the offer for a free Tombstone frozen pizza with the purchase of a fifth of Jim Beam. Does that also come with free bullets? For when you are “cleaning your gun” later that evening? Is it a special-edition frozen pizza, with I HATE MY LIFE or GODDAMN THAT CUNTWHORE spelled out in pepperoni across the top?”

ALSO, TOO:
Audrey just learned the trick where you rub a balloon on your head and it sticks to things. This is the Best Trick Ever and she took a balloon to school so she could show everybody how awesome is the physics. Let’s hope it did not devolve into fights over the balloon and the subsequent popping of balloon, the inevitable consequence being tears and lifelong trauma. Ah, Science, you fickle bitch.

LASTLY:
The birds are back, a little early since it snowed on Monday. Audrey says, “Don’t the birds know it’s friking freezing?”

We will just go ahead and mark that in the My Fault column.

Is this true? Giraffes only need 1.9 hours of sleep a day???

Somebody Wiki That Shit! (WTS!)

Damn. What the hell do they do with all that free time?

1. Your appendix is roughly the size and shape of your pinky finger.
1a. Your appendix appends your intestine. It is an appendix, like, you know, an appendix. I just realized that this weekend.

2. “Code Orange” means “mentally disturbed person loose in the hospital halls”.

3. Do not watch the movie “Changeling“, unless you enjoy emotions such as despair, frustration, or sadness. This was learned too late.